Rejects? No.

Someone on my floor said that people at community colleges are rejects. And he said that teachers at community colleges are only teaching there because they couldn't get a job at a "real" college.

Ummm.... how about no? The ignorance of some people never ceases to amaze me.

I did two years at a community college before transferring to the school I'm at now. I didn't go to a community college because I was rejected by other schools. Truth of the matter is that I went there because I slacked off my senior year and kept procrastinating applying anywhere ("I've still got time... I've still got time...") until finally I realized it was about April and I hadn't applied anywhere, which was just about the biggest "Oh crap I messed up big time!" moment of my life.

But you know what? I'm glad I did two years there. Now that I'm here, at a four year school, I realize that I probably would not have been able to handle this right out of high school. I wasn't ready at all for this. There's a lot of people who are ready for this experience right out of high school; I wasn't one of those people.

I loved it at the community college I went to. Yeah, there's a sort of stigma against them, community colleges in general, but if you can get past that... it's a great place. It's a good stepping stone from high school into a four year school. And, it saved money. It's cheaper to go there, and you can live at home which means that as well as paying less per credit than you would at a four year school, you also don't have to pay for housing or a meal plan. Just because it costs less doesn't mean it's less of a school. Cost isn't a factor of how good something is. And, with saving money, it costs like $50 just to apply to a lot of schools. I didn't have to pay that because if you were transferring after completing two years at the community college I went to, that $50 fee was waived for up to five schools. I applied to three, saving myself (my parents, actually...) $150.

The classes there were, for the most part, a little bit bigger than classes in high school (some were actually smaller than my high school classes!). The work was slightly harder than that in high school, but it wasn't too bad.

As for me, I grew so much as a person there. I'm shy and quiet around people who I don't know. I'm awkward and never know what to say. I was a tutor at that community college, and that helped me. Through helping others learn, I also got a better understanding of the material and I didn't know any of the people I was tutoring before I met them. I couldn't be shy or quiet with them. I had to do my job, which helped me a little bit to get over that shyness around new people. I still am, but I know now that I can do it.

Ok, and now on to the teachers at community colleges. They're not there because they couldn't get a job at a "real" college. First off, community colleges are real colleges. And the teachers there? I loved the teachers there better than most of the teachers here. The teachers seemed to care a lot more there, about everything. You could tell they liked the subjects they were teaching, and they cared about the students. Not too many teachers here are like that. Here, the majority of the teachers don't even know their students' names. They don't care about us, not like the teachers at the community college I went to did.

Most of the teachers I had at community college were better teachers than some of the teachers I've had here. That's a fact.

Community colleges aren't full of rejects. Like I said at the beginning of this, people's ignorance just drives me mad. Keep your self-righteous opinions to yourself, thanks. To be honest, no one else wants to hear it.

Happy birthday Nathan

Hey my Nathan! I just wanted to tell you happy birthday! And that I love you and miss you so much. You're my little best friend, and you're always gonna be. I love you so much, bud. I'm sorry I didn't get to see you while I was home this time, and I'm sorry it's been so long since I've seen you. I think last time was when I was home for Thanksgiving break, which was a longggg time ago. But! I can't believe you're 5!! Nathan, you were just barely two when I met you. You were an adorable little kid who wanted to be my best friend just because I was wear a SpongeBob t-shirt. I remember when you were about two-and-a-half, and you had just mastered the ABC's song, and you sang it for me again and again and again because you were just so proud of yourself. I was proud of you too, bud. And I remember teaching you and Candis and TT "Ring Around The Rosie." You learned it so fast! And you loved doing it, especially the "all fall DOWN!" part. And then last year, when you went through a period of time where you only wanted to be called "Nay." You're growing up fast, kiddo. You're gonna be in kindergarten in September! You know how crazy that is? That the little boy I met when he was just barely two is old enough to be in kindergarten? It's so crazy!

I hope today is great for you! :)

And hey, I'll try to come see you next time I'm home, ok? I promise I'll try, and you know I can't break a promise to you.

Happy birthday, Candis!

Happy birthday, Candis! I can NOT believe you're three already, baby girl. You're making me so old! haha. Anyways, little princess, I hope you're having the best day ever today, and that you got what you wanted for your birthday. I'm glad you like the outfit I got you, and the sunglasses look SO cute on you. I love you and I miss you and I hope you're having an amazing day.

"These four walls came down around us."

Why does it feel like my grandma is the only one who really sees me when I'm at home? It's like she's the only one who notices anything at all. Like today at lunch, for example.

We (just my grandma and I) went out to lunch at Spring Garden, which I swear on my life has the BEST Chinese food I've ever had in my life.

Grandma: Why are you so angry here? What's going on?

me: I just hate it here. I hate being back here.

Grandma: Ok, but why? It's like you've got some unresolved issue you need to solve. To get out.. to... some issue that just needs to come out.

me: I just... I... they (my mom and sister) always make me so mad. I can't even like deal with it sometimes.

Grandma: Like what?

me: They pick on me. And I tell them to stop and they don't and then I react and they get mad. But isn't it not even my fault? If they don't, then why should they be mad at me for reacting?

Grandma: They do it because they know you react. Just ignore them and they'll stop eventually.

me: I hate it. I hate being home.

Grandma: Well that's a problem because I like you being here. What are you going to do over the summer?

me: I don't even know yet. I don't wanna be home, I know that much.

Grandma: Ok, so you'll have to find a summer job. Get out of the house and away as much as you can.

me: *nods*

Grandma: You know you can talk to me about absolutely anything, right? If you've got something you need to talk about... You're my first born grandchild and I'll always love you. You can't do anything to change that. And I don't have to say anything to your mother. Or to Pop.

me (quietly, looking at my food instead of at her): *nods* Ok.

She's the only one who really talks to me. She's the only one here who cares about me. She's the only one here who sees me, who notices anything about me. Everyone else just tolerates me, but they don't really want me here. They don't actually even care. Most of the time, I don't even think my mom loves me. She just wants to be rid of me. Everyone's happier when I'm away at school. So much happier.

One day, I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna leave and I'm not ever gonna come back. If I do, it'll only be to see my grandma. Or 2 of my friends. Someday, I'm gonna find someone who loves me. I need love, you know? To feel loved. To feel wanted. Everyone wants that. And here, at home, I don't feel that at all. I just feel alone. And I hate that feeling.

I'm so tired of being angry.

Why is it that whenever I'm home, I'm just angry? I'm so tired of being angry. I'm tired of being mad at everyone. I hate being here.

At school, with my friends, anywhere except for at home, I'm happy and hyper and silly and everything... but at home, I'm quiet and angry and my spirit just feels so crushed.

:(

Don't call kids stupid!

In my history class today, the teacher called us all stupid. Well, actually, he told us all that we make stupid mistakes and if we want to do better in the class then we need to stop making such stupid mistakes. I, along with many others in the class took that to mean he was calling us stupid. Naturally I, and many others in class, were (and still are) extremely angry about this, because what teacher calls their class stupid?! Who says that?

I had a conversation with a friend today, after class. This friend is in my class, so he heard what the teacher said, and took the teacher's words the same way I did.

Me: Who does that?! What kind of a teacher does that??? You can't do that! A teacher can't call their kids stupid!

Friend: Well, you can't call kids stupid, just because they'll cry for the rest of the day if you do.

Me: Kids aren't stupid!

Friend: You just can't call them that.

Me: No, kids are so smart! SO smart.

Friend: Well not kids with disabilities.

Me: No!! They're so smart too. Kids are so freaking smart it's not even funny! It's incredible, the way they learn. People think kids are stupid because they don't know things, but how are you supposed to know things you haven't learned yet? Don't even. You can not call a kid stupid.

I'm an Early Childhood Education major. I'm going to be a kindergarten teacher someday. I love kids; my neighbor's kids are my world when I'm at home. They're so smart, it's incredible. The way the learn. Their willingness to learn. Their innate desire to know more than they do. They're so cool. I wish more older kids looked at learning, and life in general, the way that younger kids do. People calling kids "stupid"... that's one thing I feel so strongly about.

And this, the conversation about kids being "stupid" got me to thinking about a post on Love That Max about people who use the word "retard" or "retarded", the r-word. I'll be completely honest - I used to use the word. Back in middle school, who didn't use it? When I would make a mistake, "Ughhh I'm such a freaking retard sometimes!". When my friends did something dumb, "haha you're so retarded!" Stuff like that. And looking back, I'm not proud of that. But I was a middle school-er. I'm older now, and wiser, and I don't use that word any more. There's other words to use.

When my friend said that kids with disabilities aren't smart, I have to admit that I wasn't shocked. In the world we live in, that's unfortunately what people believe because they don't know better. But it still, even though I wasn't shocked, there was a part of me that was surprised. And that is because I've been reading Love That Max since MSN did a story on this post from last year. But anyway. People use the r-word without even thinking, and that needs to change. The way people use that word, it spreads the idea that people like Max are stupid or pathetic or so many other things that just aren't true! Words are so powerful, and with such a powerful weapon, more people need to think before they use it.

Max is an INCREDIBLE kid.

He's smart.

He's determined.

He's overcome so much.

He's funny.

He's talented.

He's inspiring.

He's so freaking adorable.

And so much more.

He's just like any other 9 year old kid. Max isn't just a kid with a disability. That's one part of who he is, it doesn't define him as a person.

Back when I was at a community college, I had a teacher who didn't believe in the word "disabled." Instead, she believed in "differently-abled," and that's what I agree with. Something I've thought for a long time now, (since about the time I started coming out to some of my friends), is that no one aspect of someone defines their entirety as a person. People are made of so many different things that you should never judge anyone just based on one thing about them. Just because a kid has special powers doesn't mean that they're not smart. It doesn't mean they can't learn. Just because a kid doesn't know something doesn't mean that they're not smart. People underestimate kids, all kids, so much. And that's something I can't stand. Why can't other people see how smart kids are?

I read a post of LTM a while ago about a book called "My Brother Charlie". I have to do a presentation about a bibliotherapy book in my Children's Lit course later this semester (in a couple weeks), and that's the book I chose to read and present to the class. I ordered it from amazon, and it came in the mail yesterday. I read it and loved it. A couple other people on my floor have also read it and also really liked it, and it's message! It's a book that I'll definitely have in my classroom one day, when I'm a teacher.

Love That Max has really opened my eyes to a lot in the world. I don't know if you read about everything earlier this year about the Children's Hospital of Pennsylvania denying a two-years-old little girl a transplant because of her cognitive delays, but honestly, it's because of LTM that I was as angry as I was. It was because of reading LTM that I cared as much as I did. And I'm thankful to Ellen (Max's mom, blog author of Love That Max) for that. Reading LTM has also made me think about possibly wanting to teach at a school for kids with disabilities. I don't know for sure yet, but it is something I'm thinking about. I think I want to teach at a "normal" school for a few years first, and then maybe that would be something to look in to. (Normal is in quotes because I hate that word. Nothing is "normal". Everyone has their own "normal" and it's not the same as anyone else's "normal.")

When I'm a teacher, I won't ever call my kids stupid. I won't ever look down on them for not knowing things yet; it'll be my job to teach them. I'll read them books like "My Brother Charlie" and others (I don't know what others, but I'll find some!), so that they can see that even though some kids are differently-abled, that even though some kids have special powers, that they're all still the same. I'll foster love and acceptance in their hearts. My kids, my students, will learn more than just their ABC's and 123's and other "school stuff" in my class. They'll learn life skills. They'll learn acceptance. They'll learn that even though we're all different, we're all basically the same too. They'll learn they we all need respect and love, no matter what. I'll teach them not to judge or assume, and to ask questions when they want to know things. So many teachers don't let kids ask questions, but when you do that, you discourage learning. You squash their want, their need, to know, and you can't do that. You shoudn't do that.

I hope I'm going to be a good teacher. I hope I can teach my kids to love and accept each other (and themselves!) just they way they are. I hope the lessons they'll learn about accepting everyone for who they are, about knowing to ask questions about things they're curious about, about knowing we're all different and being ok with that, will stick with them throughout their lives. Maybe I dream big like that because I'm still young (20 years old!). Maybe I think big because I'm not a teacher yet. I don't know. But I think that I'll still think this way even when I'm in the classroom. It's just who I am.

ugh.

All people ever do is disappoint you.

There's no point in making plans because they'll just get cancelled anyway.

There's no point in looking forward to something because it won't happen.

And there's no point in getting close to anyone because all people ever do is leave.

I wish I was a kitten. Everyone loves kittens.