First week of classes = Homework overload

The first week of classes was this past week, and homework overload. Homework in literally every class I'm taking. All six classes. Children's Lit. Young Adult Lit. Math for Elementary Education. School Health. Cooperative Activities (a gym class). European History and Geography. The stuff that's due Wednesday (my time management plan for health, and reading chapter 2 in my Children's Lit textbook) is gonna get done Tuesday after gym, but the rest (a math quiz, a response paper to the book we just read in Children's Lit, and answering the questions on chapters 3 and 4 for YA Lit) have to get done today. And I got 5 assignments out of the way yesterday so I wouldn't have a crapload to do today.

I really wanna go out and play in the snow. Like, there's not even that much out there, but I just wanna go play in it.

OH MY GOD. So. One of my friends knows someone on youtube who I'm a fan of! He (my friend) went to school with her (the girl from youtube) and they graduated together. And he told me that, and (naturally) I freaked out (because, seriously, OH. MY. GOD.). And so I messaged her on another website and was like "this is so random, but one my friends at college graduated high school with you" and we've just been having a conversation on there and it makes me SO freaking happy!! Every time I see I have a new message, I get all smiley and happy and yeah. And the more I talk to her, the more and more and more I like her. You remember that feeling from elementary school or middle school or whatever, when you have a crush on a new person for the first time? Not your first crush, but... I have no idea how to explain what I'm saying. But anyways I told my friend last night, "Have I told you thank you? For telling me that you know (her name)? Because I probably never would have talked to her otherwise." And he was all like "Well maybe, maybe, next time she's home I can introduce you guys. Maybe." Oh my god!!!! Yeah. It makes me happy.

I freaking LOVE being back at school!!! I missed everyone here more than I even have the words to say. I love the people on my floor. I know, I know, I've said it before, but I really really REALLY lucked out by getting put on this floor. Everyone always says that this never happens, that you never get a floor this great, so I really am so lucky that I got put on this floor, with these people. There's two new people on the floor. One who's not here very often, but when she is here, she fits in with the rest of us. And one who fits in with the rest of us perfectly.

Washable crayons are the most amazing invention ever. Fact.

And now that I've spent time I should have been using for homework typing this up and, really, using a lot of words to not say very much, I actually do have to go get homework done. And I should probably get dressed at some point too, instead of spending all day in my pajamas.

Also, my "a" key on my keyboard only works sometimes lately, and it's REALLY annoying to type with. Because when I noticed that I missed an "a" I have to go back and fix it, which is so annoying to have to do. But yeah. Homework time now.

Ok so school can start up again. Like now.

All I want is to be back at school. Is that too much to ask for? Really? Because I'm just counting down the days until I'll be back there. 12 days. But today's almost over, so it's kind of like 11 days. I miss it there. There feels like home, and what's sad is that home doesn't. I hate being here. My spirit is slowly being crushed and I can't take it.

Here, everyone's just always annoyed at me. I'm in the way. I can't do anything right. If I ask a question, people respond back with sarcastic answers and just roll their eyes at me. Just about everything ends with an argument. I can't get people to laugh, all people think of me is that I'm weirder than I actually am.

And look, I know I'm weird. I like being weird. I like being different. But sometimes, I feel like my brain just doesn't work right. I don't think about things the way other people say they do. In psych, when we were learning about the stages of development you go through in childhood, so much of the 5-7 year old cognitive and socio-emotional stuff (eager to learn new things, wants to please others, asks a lot of questions, likes making people laugh, needs approval/praise/reassurance, easily disappointed and frustrated with failure, is "eagerly" cooperative, follows the rules/is nervous about breaking rules..) I was like "...but that's me. And I'm 20." And when I told my mom that, her only response was "Just don't tell people that." But why not? If that's who I am, then why shouldn't people know that part of me too? I find things interesting that other people just don't care about. I sit around and read news stories because I find them interesting. I can read the same book over and over again without getting tired of it, or watch the same movie over and over again once it's just ended, and not get tired of it. Things that other people see as stupid, I think is funny. And the opposite of that is true too. I get nervous or freaked out or whatever when I'm around a lot of people, especially if they're people I don't know or people who I don't know very well. If I'm going into a new situation or talking to someone I don't know, I need someone I know by my side to basically reassure me that it's all ok. I obsess over little things in the back of my mind forever, and my brain just won't let go of them. It bothers me when things aren't in order, but I try so so so hard to just ignore that. I like things to stay the same and not change. Like, routine, you know? I want things to always be predictable. I want to know what's going to happen next. I get more lost in music than anyone else I know. And I'm easily distracted by little things like a laser pointer or someone swinging their keys back and forth, and on my mind, that little thing is the only thing that matters. I'll be in the middle of a conversation with someone, and someone else will start swinging their keys back and forth, and I'm gone. I'm in my own world or something, and the only thing in the world is those keys. And I just watch them go back and forth and whatever the conversation was about is just not important to me anymore... until the keys are gone. And then, it takes a second or two, but then I'm back. Stuff like that. My brain doesn't work right sometimes, and I hate that because I don't understand it. It frustrates me so much because I just want to be normal, you know? I don't want to be so easily distracted. I don't want people to see the way I act as always just that of a 5-7 year old. I don't want to want things to always be so predictable. But the thing is that I do. And I can't change that. I just wish I could understand it. That's all.

You wanna know why I love animals more than people? Because animals don't care if your brain works weirdly. Animals don't tell you "just don't tell anyone that." Animals are there for you and if you love them, then they love you right back. They're your friend for their whole life and they can always make you smile, even when you don't want to smile. Even when you're feeling so down that you think you might not ever smile again, they can make you smile. They just love you, as long as you love them back.

But back to being here. "Home." It's not home. Home is, was, the apartment I grew up in. Home is where the kids live right downstairs, and my grandparents live just down the street, and across the street from them is Conor's house where Nikki and I used to get babysat sometimes when we were younger, and just up the hill from there and on the other side of the street is Leah's house, and the next house up the hill is Tom and Joanne's house where they always have to put up a sign to stop kids from taking all their berries that they use for jelly or jam or something, and two houses up the street from the apartment is Cece's house, and across from there, diagonally, is where Skip's parents live and two or three houses down from there is the house where Ray and I mowed the owner's lawn with my grandfather's old push-mower and then she told us afterwards that she had no money and offered us chocolate instead. That's where home is. Not here. Not even is. That's where home used to be. I don't know if the new house will ever feel like home. Is that bad to say? Is it bad to think that? Now, home is school. School is where I want to be, and honestly, it feels so much more like a home to me than home ever did.

I've got three friends here who are the only reason I want to be here. I love them to death, and you know what scares me? I'm scared to lose them. I'm scared we won't always be friends. That's silly, right? I mean, I've been friends with one since second grade. We've had our ups and downs and sometimes she drives me absolutely insane, but when it comes down to it, she was one of my first real friends, and I hope she'll always be my friend. I've known one since third grade, and she's definitely one of my best friends. And I haven't known the third one as long. Just since June '09. But she's one of my best friends too. I love all three of them. And I don't know why, but I always have this fear in the back of my mind that as much as I want to be friends for the rest of forever, I'm always scared of the "what if?"

I want to be back at school where people love me for me. Where I'm not constantly arguing with people. Where I'm not so scared to be me. Where I can make people smile and laugh. Where I'm a happier me. I don't know what I'm going to do over the summer. Because all I know is that I can't handle being here for an entire summer.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

First things first -- HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Yeah, I'm a week late posting that, but whatever. Haha. How long is it appropriate to say happy new year for? I'm pretty sure it's socially acceptable to say it throughout January. But after that, it's questionable. And by March, you shouldn't be saying it anymore.

Second things second -- for those of you who don't know, I'm attempting to take (and post) a years worth of pictures. If you're interested in seeing the world as I do, check out http://inthelifeofkimberlyanna.blogspot.com. While I'm at home (over break), I don't really have too many ideas for pictures or things to take pictures of, so I'm stuck with pretty boring pictures until I get back to school. Day 1 and day 5 are pretty good though, I think.

Now that that's out of the way. I'm so bored here at home. I want so badly to be back at school. Why is break so long??? I go back the 22nd, and honestly, that day can't get here soon enough. I want to see my friends from there again. I want to go to class. I want to be doing work or something, anything, to break the boredom. And you know the most random thing I miss? I miss the flat bread pizza and the burritos from the Union. I just really want to be back at school.

And this weather! Ugh. It's January, is it not? We're a week into January, and it was in the 50's today. How does that happen?!? I remember one year, in January, it was warm enough to wear shorts. I remember walking down to my friend Leah's house, and she was so pissed that it was January and it was shorts weather. It's not that warm here, and I'm happy about that. But still, 50's is way way wayyyy to warm for January. It's supposed to be cold and snowy. The ground is supposed to be covered in snow. Kids are supposed to be out sledding and making snowmen and having snowball fights. It's not supposed to be in the 50's and sunny without snow. That's just plain wrong.